I’m still so affected by my own thoughts, my own mind and beliefs. I’ve made many attempts to control them, to become empty, clear, and allow my mind to operate unobtrusively alongside my conscience. but I still feel like I haven’t made any progress… I mean I did at first, maybe I still do sometimes, but it’s an illusion
I don’t have control over anything, its all just spinning out again slowly but surely
I have a certain intensity that’s really hard to conceal. Lately I’ve tried new ways of turning it off, turning myself off basically but deep down I know it can only last for so long. my emotions and thoughts will eventually surface and I will fall again into inexplicable depressions like I did so often last year.
I can’t talk about this out loud because it’s something that I don’t even understand myself. I keep thinking that this time it’ll be different, I’ll be able to master it all, I’ll have it all under control but I know I don’t/
it’s like I push my thoughts to the very edge of their abilities, up till the point where i’m looking out over the edge and i get dizzy from the depths of what i don’t understand, what’s out of my reach forever. i push myself into silent periods where I can’t an won’t let myself connect with any other person because im convinced that my mind works way too differently from everyone elses’
im sure im jus rambling by now but all i feel is the inevitability of my disposition surfacing to take control again and i dont know if this time ill have the energy to turn myself back to where i am right now
everything is so intricate.
each person in their own curious uniqueness. the way each relationship is between only two people and we’re all connected somehow, through a few twists and loops, or maybe a thousand friends of a friend of a friend..
makes me think it’s hopelessly impossible to untangle this infinite web of human interaction, even a little bit.
recently I’ve been wondering about all the people I never crossed paths with who I could have been really compatible with and I wonder why that is.
I’ve always thought everyone and everything in your life was meant to be, but what if I had stayed two more minutes at a library or a bus tunnel or something and met someone that would have been a perfect fit? an im not sayin just love and romance but someone who’s made of the same fabric ya know? why couldn’t I have spent those extra two minutes, why is the universe keeping me from it
what if what if what if
I feel like I’m walking on glass.
I feel an constant sense of dread and anxiety in my lungs.
I feel claustrophobic.
I feel both apathetic and sensitive.
I feel inaudible.
My mind is never still.
My body is out of tune.
My thoughts are chaos.
My senses are stifled.
This is not the life I want.. so why am I doing everything in my power to keep it that way?
There is a creature inside me.
You could strip me bare, every layer of skin, every organ, every sin and it would still be there, edging, scratching, climbing, screaming
into the chambers of my skeleton, my breath growing thin
I try to let you in, but this creature inside me
forbids such an act of vulnerability.
I open my mouth to speak, and it crouches in my throat, waiting. If only you could see, this creature inside me.
There are times when I appear to be free
unchained by this constant apprehension and anxiety
that bubbles up within me at the moments between seconds when I let my guard down.
My rhythm falters, my physique weakens, I am no longer in control.
But that is my beautiful illusion I so desperately tell myself, because I never was.
The creature inside me has a face. A face that I will never see but always know, it glows with a effervescent light, hard to miss but easy to ignore.
I will always have this creature inside me.
You will always have this creature inside you.
Until we are ready to take their place
and return within ourselves
to the places we ran from
to the hollows we fear
then is when we will suddenly be free
from the creature.
This might sound cliche
but I imagine you all the time.
the feeling I’ll get when I realize there will be no more searching
the pleasure I’ll get when your hand fits perfectly in mine
like I knew it would.
The way the tsunami within me
will finally be still
the second I lay my hands on you.
The way my thoughts
will magically make sense
because you can hear them.
I wonder what you’re doing
whether you’re staring at the stars too
enjoying the night’s silent peace.
I like to think you smell the night air
and leave your window open till morning
just like me.
Sometimes I picture your smile
and I am comforted by the fact that
When all else fails
when everyone else cannot see me
I remember that you already do.
And one day I will have you
and I will no longer need
to have anyone
i have so much to say but dont know how to say it
I wish I could take people’s problems and pain away. I wish I could steal it and wear it instead. I wish I could carry all their suffering so they don’t have to. Ingest it, store it away, keep it hidden from them forever. I wish I could fix it all. I wish I could have the answers to help them feel better. I wish I could protect them from further pain
but I know that it wouldn’t help them.. but if only it did, and if only I could.
Thinking back on last year, I realize now how differently I responded to things in my life and how serious I used to be about everything. I can be excruciatingly hard on myself, to a dangerous degree.. and last year that was the complexion of my thoughts and emotions. Operating fully on this was detrimental on my overall psyche and now that I think back, I took things way too seriously. It was as if I was stuck in my head 24/7 like usual, except I started to lock myself up in there, not seeking another’s words and instead, focusing on how I can be better, do more. This constant desire for better drove me into isolation and dejection within myself and even though I enjoyed some aspects of it, I cut myself off from trusting almost anyone, only relying on myself.
I’m not exactly sure when I crawled out of this cluttered enclosure I had built. I’m not sure if there was any specific event or person that pulled me out other than myself, but ever since I have it’s like I see things in a whole new light. I mean, I’m still intensely dedicated to self improvement, but instead of exclusively looking toward what could improve, I now look at where I am, and I’m content.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, don’t take everything in life so seriously. It weighs down on you till you crumble, getting heavier and heavier until you have the weight of the world on your shoulders. Just let go. Focus on what’s really important, cut everything else out. Literally, cut it out of your life. Things have weight. Thoughts have weight, people have weight, emotions have weight.. and finding contentment can come from letting go of your baggage. Our days are so limited, don’t spend your time and energy on anyone who does not deserve it.
Favorite songs at the moment:
- God’s Bathroom Floor / Atmosphere
- You Never Know / Immortal Technique
- Shut up / JK the Rapper
- Nostalgia / Chance the Rapper
- Imaginary Weekend With Her / BrandUn DeShay
- Summer Blues / Coolroy
- Talk to You (Lil Darlin’) / Talib Kweli
- TBH / partynextdoor
I don’t understand why so many people think it’s not okay to be alone. It’s as if it’s become a taboo in our culture to simply be by yourself and not be constantly socializing and surrounding yourself with others. Yeah, it’s nice to have some fun and connect with other people, for sure, but I enjoy my own company just as much, if not more. It’s simply strange to me how much people fear being by themselves. Even just for a second.
It might hurt to remember.
But it is better than forgetting.
Or pretending it didn’t happen
and waiting for time to deaden every detail.
I’d rather relive it all
than have each life lost be in vain
guys with good taste in music >
It bothers me when I hear people say “Be a good Christian” or “That’s the Christian way”. It bothers me when people use Christianity as a synonym for being a good person. You can be Atheist, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, Hindu or whatever the fuck you want to be and still be a good person. Being Christian is not an automatic acceptance for moral perfection. just try to do the right thing, don’t need to bring religion into it