Sometimes I hear or see something and I can’t really get it out of my head for awhile.
I’ll randomly ask people about a piece of this broad, general area of confusion I have about something. I’ll elude to it in conversations and I’ll sit and listen to the thoughts and beliefs of others to see if I can find any source of solution to the questions I have.
Lately I’ve just been really wrapped up in the concept of falling in love, different kinds of love, real love, affection, romance, intimacy, lust, desire, attachment.
I’ve seen all kinds of love. I’ve watched people become entangled by the long delicate fingers of attraction but I can’t say that I’ve experienced those same lovely entrapments. I’ve merely watched and barely missed these beautiful, sadistic addictions. It seems that whenever I come close, and I have come close once, the circumstances change and I am spun in circles once more, now facing a completely different scene with lingering feelings and missed opportunities.
But, regardless of what I’ve experienced personally, tons of questions echo within me
Is it possible to be in love, in true, head over heals, soul mate type love with more than one person? Is there only one soul mate? Does everyone have one? Do some people have multiple? Does everyone have multiple?
What about those who love someone and then lose them, say through death, and then fall in love again with another person. What if they had met that second lover while they were still with the first one?
Is it possible to be equally in love with two people? If love is such a good thing, is it wrong to not devote all your love to one person? Does the concept of fidelity change?
It’s hard for me to imagine having more than one lover or my lover not loving solely me. Is that wrong?
How can you tell when it’s real? Does love fade?
Do we create too many rules around love and does that pollute our pure instinctual inclinations to helplessly fall into this complete typhoon of emotion, beauty and despair?
Is it ever possible for two people to love each other equally? Or does someone always love more?
Love is so strange. We are so alone for most of our lives. We’re raised with this dream that one day we will find one person, one single soul that will intertwine themselves with us and we will no longer be alone. Yet, we still remain separate. People still walk away. We die. We divorce. We change.
Why is it so easy? Why is it so difficult?
There are so many shapes to love. I want to feel it all. But it’s beautifully frightening and sometimes it hits me how naive I truly am. Yes, I’ve felt love. But I’ve never felt completely and unequivocally in love with another person. And I’m afraid that when I do, I’ll love too hard, too much and too passionately. I’ll wait for it to happen and when it does I think a lot of this will make more sense. But until it does it’s a complete mystery to me.
damn i dont even wanna go to prom i dont even wanna go to college fuck senior year
Have you ever been in love?
No, not to your standards.
I have never held a lover’s hand and felt both weightless and heavy at the same time.
I have never felt completely and utterly connected to someone that I could not picture a day without a dose of their essence.
I have never been so engrossed in the thought and experience of another person that I forget about my surroundings, spinning in circles, recklessly, joyously, freely
I have never thrown old dishes at the wall after hanging up on a bad note, after a bad night, after a bad fight, left with nothing but questions, empty rooms, slammed doors, and aching longing.
Yet, to me, I’ve been in love countless times.
I fell in love with her as she rested her right cheek on her knees, staring out the window on the metro, sitting in the back next to the heater, with her pink earphones in and her eyes closed
I fell in love with him, the boy laying on a park bench staring at the cloudy sky, smoking a cigarette, playing with his hair that’s getting too long, humming a made up tune that only he understands
I fell in love with the old woman putting groceries in her green Subaru at 7:41 PM in the parking lot, balancing the phone in between her shoulder and her ear, laughing with her daughter about how the boys came back from summer camp with countless bruises, cuts, sprains and bug bites
I fell in love with him as he did his homework, oblivious to me, to anyone, when he looked up staring off into space thinking about something I will never get to hear
I fell in love with you as you laughed, till tears ran down your flushed cheeks, breathless, alive
I’ve fallen in love, hopelessly, for as long as I can remember
Every day I fall
and every day I break
because I’m reminded again of how temporary it all is.
I see again and again both the infinite beauty
and the perfect terror
of the human experience, of our condition,
of our pain, of our joy.
No, I’ve never been in love. But I’ve fallen many times.
Describe yourself in one word
If I were to describe myself in words, in one, single word
I would have nothing to say.
If I tried to choose a word, I would also have to utter its antonym
Because even though my emotions bring me to my knees
when the day is over,
I’m an expert at apathy when I awaken.
Because I reach the highest of peaks
but also the lowest of
Even though I often sigh in deep deflation,
I have inexhaustible energy
Because even though I’ll walk to the ends of the earth
in search of something, of anything
I’d walk just as far in the opposite direction
Because if I were to describe myself in one word
the only word that would surface would be
this week was draining. something specific kept overwhelming me though.. i felt like i was constantly being watched. one day i came back from a run and had to lay down in my room with the lights off for a good hour just to feel like i was truly alone.
so much of our lives is based on what we see. in others and in ourselves. unfortunately, it’s the superficial sight. that’s what’s bothering me. i feel like people see me, but I never feel like im really being seen. its all just the outside. its disheartening. it all feels so empty, cold and superficial
its exhausting living in this society that only cares about what you look like, how you act on the outside. wish i could step out of this exterior, take it all off, and truly be seen for what I am
I’m still so affected by my own thoughts, my own mind and beliefs. I’ve made many attempts to control them, to become empty, clear, and allow my mind to operate unobtrusively alongside my conscience. but I still feel like I haven’t made any progress… I mean I did at first, maybe I still do sometimes, but it’s an illusion
I don’t have control over anything, its all just spinning out again slowly but surely
I have a certain intensity that’s really hard to conceal. Lately I’ve tried new ways of turning it off, turning myself off basically but deep down I know it can only last for so long. my emotions and thoughts will eventually surface and I will fall again into inexplicable depressions like I did so often last year.
I can’t talk about this out loud because it’s something that I don’t even understand myself. I keep thinking that this time it’ll be different, I’ll be able to master it all, I’ll have it all under control but I know I don’t/
it’s like I push my thoughts to the very edge of their abilities, up till the point where i’m looking out over the edge and i get dizzy from the depths of what i don’t understand, what’s out of my reach forever. i push myself into silent periods where I can’t an won’t let myself connect with any other person because im convinced that my mind works way too differently from everyone elses’
im sure im jus rambling by now but all i feel is the inevitability of my disposition surfacing to take control again and i dont know if this time ill have the energy to turn myself back to where i am right now
everything is so intricate.
each person in their own curious uniqueness. the way each relationship is between only two people and we’re all connected somehow, through a few twists and loops, or maybe a thousand friends of a friend of a friend..
makes me think it’s hopelessly impossible to untangle this infinite web of human interaction, even a little bit.
recently I’ve been wondering about all the people I never crossed paths with who I could have been really compatible with and I wonder why that is.
I’ve always thought everyone and everything in your life was meant to be, but what if I had stayed two more minutes at a library or a bus tunnel or something and met someone that would have been a perfect fit? an im not sayin just love and romance but someone who’s made of the same fabric ya know? why couldn’t I have spent those extra two minutes, why is the universe keeping me from it
what if what if what if
I feel like I’m walking on glass.
I feel an constant sense of dread and anxiety in my lungs.
I feel claustrophobic.
I feel both apathetic and sensitive.
I feel inaudible.
My mind is never still.
My body is out of tune.
My thoughts are chaos.
My senses are stifled.
This is not the life I want.. so why am I doing everything in my power to keep it that way?
There is a creature inside me.
You could strip me bare, every layer of skin, every organ, every sin and it would still be there, edging, scratching, climbing, screaming
into the chambers of my skeleton, my breath growing thin
I try to let you in, but this creature inside me
forbids such an act of vulnerability.
I open my mouth to speak, and it crouches in my throat, waiting. If only you could see, this creature inside me.
There are times when I appear to be free
unchained by this constant apprehension and anxiety
that bubbles up within me at the moments between seconds when I let my guard down.
My rhythm falters, my physique weakens, I am no longer in control.
But that is my beautiful illusion I so desperately tell myself, because I never was.
The creature inside me has a face. A face that I will never see but always know, it glows with a effervescent light, hard to miss but easy to ignore.
I will always have this creature inside me.
You will always have this creature inside you.
Until we are ready to take their place
and return within ourselves
to the places we ran from
to the hollows we fear
then is when we will suddenly be free
from the creature.
This might sound cliche
but I imagine you all the time.
the feeling I’ll get when I realize there will be no more searching
the pleasure I’ll get when your hand fits perfectly in mine
like I knew it would.
The way the tsunami within me
will finally be still
the second I lay my hands on you.
The way my thoughts
will magically make sense
because you can hear them.
I wonder what you’re doing
whether you’re staring at the stars too
enjoying the night’s silent peace.
I like to think you smell the night air
and leave your window open till morning
just like me.
Sometimes I picture your smile
and I am comforted by the fact that
When all else fails
when everyone else cannot see me
I remember that you already do.
And one day I will have you
and I will no longer need
to have anyone
i have so much to say but dont know how to say it
I wish I could take people’s problems and pain away. I wish I could steal it and wear it instead. I wish I could carry all their suffering so they don’t have to. Ingest it, store it away, keep it hidden from them forever. I wish I could fix it all. I wish I could have the answers to help them feel better. I wish I could protect them from further pain
but I know that it wouldn’t help them.. but if only it did, and if only I could.
Thinking back on last year, I realize now how differently I responded to things in my life and how serious I used to be about everything. I can be excruciatingly hard on myself, to a dangerous degree.. and last year that was the complexion of my thoughts and emotions. Operating fully on this was detrimental on my overall psyche and now that I think back, I took things way too seriously. It was as if I was stuck in my head 24/7 like usual, except I started to lock myself up in there, not seeking another’s words and instead, focusing on how I can be better, do more. This constant desire for better drove me into isolation and dejection within myself and even though I enjoyed some aspects of it, I cut myself off from trusting almost anyone, only relying on myself.
I’m not exactly sure when I crawled out of this cluttered enclosure I had built. I’m not sure if there was any specific event or person that pulled me out other than myself, but ever since I have it’s like I see things in a whole new light. I mean, I’m still intensely dedicated to self improvement, but instead of exclusively looking toward what could improve, I now look at where I am, and I’m content.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, don’t take everything in life so seriously. It weighs down on you till you crumble, getting heavier and heavier until you have the weight of the world on your shoulders. Just let go. Focus on what’s really important, cut everything else out. Literally, cut it out of your life. Things have weight. Thoughts have weight, people have weight, emotions have weight.. and finding contentment can come from letting go of your baggage. Our days are so limited, don’t spend your time and energy on anyone who does not deserve it.
Favorite songs at the moment:
- God’s Bathroom Floor / Atmosphere
- You Never Know / Immortal Technique
- Shut up / JK the Rapper
- Nostalgia / Chance the Rapper
- Imaginary Weekend With Her / BrandUn DeShay
- Summer Blues / Coolroy
- Talk to You (Lil Darlin’) / Talib Kweli
- TBH / partynextdoor